Commentary
by a very potter parody
Summary: Evidently, Sirius and Quidditch match commentary aren't a good mix- at least, not if we want poor Minnie to make it.


**I've always seen Sirius as more of a commentator rather than a beater...and I always thought he'd be hilarious, pulling McGonagall's leg and all that. Enjoy!**

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"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, hags and trolls, vampires and werewolves, Minnie and Sluggy, to the QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP FINAL! Well, it's the Hogwarts cup final, anyway."

"Mr Black, kindly refrain from yelling. You've got a magical megaphone."

"Whatever, Minnie. You hired me, right? Doesn't matter that it was a bad bet between you and Sluggy and the fact that no one in their right mind would ever do this job…"

"DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

"SHUT UP, POTTER!"

"MR BLACK! YOU HAVE A MEGAPHONE!"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist unless you want to go somewhere more private, Minnie. Now, I present to you, in that corner, the GRYFFINDORS! In that hideous corner…the SLYTHERINS! Yep- Griffins, carry on booing. HUFFLEPUFF, over there! No- not _there_! The hideous lot with the wannabe banners! Them! Aaaaand…the RAVENS! Your chants will get better…someday…not everyone can be as witty as me, but keep trying."

"Mr Black- at least introduce the players!"

"I told you to stop playing with your knickers, Minnie, honestly! So we've got the star (so he thinks) seeker of Gryffindor, JAMES POTTER! Your chasers today will be DORCAS MEADOWES, ALEX GRAFT and GEMMA REID! Round of applause, not many would be willing to out in public with names like that…Love you really, Dorcas…your beaters are REMUS LUPIN and ALICE LONGBOTTOM! Yeah, Longbottom- we've all seen the way Frankie stares at you. And your Keeper… MARLENE MCKINNON! Amazing player, that girl is…I've been saying it for years, but she still remains immune to my charm.

"MOVING ON! On the Slytherin side, we've got your kind of suckish chasers: PUCEY, GREENGRASS and BULSTRODE! Your son-of-a-butcher beaters, CRABBE AND GOYLE! Your keeper, FLINT! And your asshole of a seeker, my not so darling brother, (he's the son of a harpy, siriusly- HA! Never gets old), REGULUS BLACK! A.k.a. spoilt little prince."

"Mr Black; please start the match and _do _stop insulting your brother."

"What brother? That son of a harpy? Come one, Minnie, you know we're not related. I'm far too beautiful, manly and charming to be related to _that__. _There's the whistle! Aaaaand, the Gryffindors have the Quaffle; COME ON, MEADOWES! PAST GOYLE- OHHH, YOU CHEATING SON OF A-"

"MR BLACK! KINDLY STOP BEING SO BIASED!"

"Now, Minnie. I _told _you to quit twisting your knickers unless you wanted to go somewhere private! The commentary stands are _not _an appropriate place for a wrinkly old virgin's first time."

"MR BLACK!"

"Minnie, darling…you want me really. Now…10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!"

"DETENTION! MY CLASSROOM! NOW!"

"Whoa, Minnie, your hat fell off…someone's stressy. Ah well. But I can't abandon the match!"

"NOW!"

"I knew you wanted me. Potter's flying…has he seen something? Whoa- Jamsie, I don't think the way to Evans' heart is crashing into Snivellus- sorry, Evans-"

"FORGOT TO BRAKE, SORRY PROFESSOR!"

"DETENTION MR POTTER! WITH MR BLACK!"

"Ooh. A threesome. AND IT'S TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN! DAMMIT! DIE!"

"Mr Black. Unbiased commentary, please."

"That's a job for a wimp like Frankie the Hufflepuff, Minnie. AND ANOTHER TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! SUCK THAT, SNAKES! And we've got 20: 10 in favor of the Griffins. And Greengrass is going for the goal…she shoots…LONGBOTTOM SAVES!"

"Roberts, Mr Black, Roberts. She is _not_ a Longbottom."

"Aw, Minnie; just look at Frankie's blush, though! Get your wedding robes ready! Well, get the 'it's a boy!' robes, anyway. I was up in the Gryffindor girl's dorms and I found a bunch of Muggle pregnancy tests…"

"Might I inquire as to what you were doing in the Gryffindor girl's dorms? Actually, I don't want to know."

"Damn right you don't, Minnie. It would give a prude like you nightmares. Siriusly. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM, TONIGHT, THE LONGBOTTOM BABY SHOWER! And, we're off again; Reid is heading for goal, aiming for the right hoop- oh, _shit_- sorry, Gemma-"

"Mr Black! Don't give away strategy!"

"Cool it, I apologised! That's a gift, Minnie...well, Flint saves."

"Gryffindor! Gryffindor! We're the lions, and we rule!"

"Well, the chants will improve…someday… and the Slytherin Captain wants a time out! Ah well. It's for the best; I'm no sure how much longer my gorgeous eyes can stand looking at Crabbe and Goyle bash each other on the head. Let's go assault people!"

"Mr Black, I must object to this-"

"No time, Minnie, no time. Yell my name all you want tonight. Hello, Frankie! How's your wife doing?"

"She's doing great, and she's_ not_ my wife!"

"Whatever you say- hey, is that a ring in your pocket?"

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"Okay, okay, Frankie. LONGBOTTOM ENGAGEMENT AND BABY SHOWER, TONIGHT, GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM!

"Evans. How's your boyfriend today? Is he, well, _on top _of you- I mean, on top of his game?"

"No comment."

"Of course, Evans. That's a '_he will be tonight because he looks so fit' _to us geniuses, right? I always knew through the 'ohmygod, he's such an arrogant pig' that you really wanted to throw him up against the wall and have your dirty way with him because he looks so good in Quidditch uniform...I always did think you needed glasses, Evans..."

"BLACK!"

"Well, toodles! I'd go to the Slytherin stands, but I rather adore my perfect hair, and certain other parts of my anatomy, so back to the game! Pucey with the Quaffle…"

"WE ARE THE GRYFFINDORS! WE'LL KICK YOUR ARSES OUT THE DOOR! YOU ARE THE SLYTHERINS! STUPID GITS WHO NEVER WIN!"

"And…LONGBOTTOM SAVES! GO GRIFFINS!"

"Mr Black. For the seven-point-fourth time, may I remind you that you are in possession of a megaphone?"

"Go for it. Aaaaand…IS THAT THE SNITCH? OH YES IT IS! GO- JAMSIE, I LOVE YOU! EVANS, HE'S MINE! GRYFFINDOR WINS! SUCK IT, SLYTHERPRICKS!"

"GO GRYFFINDOR!"

"Uhh…Minnie?"

"I'm the head of Gryffindor house, Mr Black. I am allowed to show preference. WE ARE GRYFFINDOR! WE'LL KICK YOUR ARSES OUT THE DOOR!"

"Hypocritical woman."

"Remember detention."

"Ah, crap, I'm missing the Longbottom's engagement! But I wouldn't miss your first threesome for the world, Minnie."

"Kindly refrain from making such vulgar comments, Mr Black."

"You wound me, Minnie. Calling me vulgar? That's low. I mean, I'm charming, sexy, handsome, perfect...did I mention charming and sexy? Or handsome and perfect?"

"Mr Black... I'm never hiring you again."

"Told you that you should've hired Frankie the Married Hufflepuff."

"I'M NOT MARRIED!"

"_Yet._ You know, I've always had a feeling I've got Seer blood."


End file.
